I Have Incredibly Strong Powers of Persuasion

But only with myself. I know this because I’ve taken note of situations in which my powers of persuasion work. For instance, sometimes I am out of stuff and I need to go to the store and get more. Sometimes this stuff is vitamins or shampoo. Other times it’s more important and necessary stuff, like toilet paper or food. Most of the time it is all of those things together because I wait so long that I’m out of everything. So I make a list and then I make a plan for when I will go, which is usually on my way home from work. Because once I’m home for the day, I don’t want to leave again. It takes a very awesome, enticing, made-especially-for-Erin treat to get me to leave the house once I’ve come home for the day. Like a movie I really, really want to see (sometimes even that’s not good enough).

Or the promise of lots and lots of snow that I can play in.

Or a present, like…

A rainbow-tailed pony with tattoos of tinier rainbow-tailed ponies all over its body!

And saddlebags full of both sweet and savory snacks to consume on the ride!

Or the ice-cream man is here (and even then I have to hear the music, to prove it’s true, before I’ll go outside).

Don’t get me wrong—I love the outside. But on days that I am forced to go out, like for work or errands or social obligations, I despise being out (especially during the summer, in Texas) and all I want is to go inside and work on my own, quiet, activities from the comfort of my home.

Anyway, the plan is set and has been set probably for several days, because I tend to set my plans for days in advance just to give myself ample time to mentally, emotionally, and physically prepare for the task(s). And then the day rolls around and I’m like, “Today is the day. After work, I must go to the store."

But then I go to work, get distracted from my self pep talk, forget all about what I was pepping myself up for, and then absentmindedly start to think about all the awesomely fun things I’m going to do when I get home and what delicious snack I will enjoy.

Then I remember.

And every time it’s like hearing a story about someone’s dog getting run over, which is especially sad because you knew that dog (well, you didn’t know him per say, but you met him a couple of times and had a nice play in the yard, with a stick), but also you have suddenly and mysteriously contracted amnesia, so your short-term memory is shot, so you forget everything outside of a ten second thought cycle, so you forget about the dog, think some more happy thoughts, then the person, who strangely knows all about your sudden and mysterious short-term memory loss, tells the story again, about the dog getting run over, because this person is a sadist, and this continues on and on throughout your day till you feel exhausted by the emotional roller coaster, but you don’t know why because of the amnesia, which you don’t know you have, because it’s fucking amnesia.

I think, on the day of, I subconsciously force myself to forget, as some sort of defense mechanism, or self-preservation against braving the wild of the outside world.

Especially the grocery store.

Because of such horrors, I’ve trained myself to believe there is only one track in my mind and no stops except the one at the end, called ‘Home’.

And the hour creeps closer and then it becomes a countdown to the moment when I know I must sacrifice my personal time to do things that will keep me alive and healthy.

But after a while, I remember that I was supposed to have already resigned myself to it.

I know it must be done, so I grit my teeth and say, “Get over it. Just do it because you know you have to and if you run through the store fast enough then maybe you can be in and out and only be ten minutes later than usual getting home!” So I get in my car, fully intending to stop at the store or the post office or the bank or whatever other boring but necessary buildings you can think of—oh! the oil-changing place for your car. Yeah, that one’s real boring.

Then, something magical starts to happen…My brain—completely independent of me—begins to throw out reasons why I shouldn’t go, or reasons why I don’t really have to go as bad as I previously thought I did.

I’ve done enough today, I deserve to relax.

There’s still enough toilet paper for at least two more pees, maybe three, if I conserve. So we’re not totally out.

They’re just vitamins I can skip one day—it’s not like a prescription medication—I can stop whenever I want—vitamins don’t rule my life! You can’t tell me what to do, vitamins, you’re not the boss of me‼

There is still that can of lima beans and a whole sleeve of crackers left. Plus there’s always Ramen. So I can’t really say I don’t have food and I need more. People are starving all over the world. How picky and spoiled am I? What, am I too good for Ramen now?

There are plenty of dishes you can make out of cream corn and Nutella…

Or maybe just the one.

Or maybe you’re better off just eating them individually.

And guess what, fatty? If you don’t buy groceries you will be forced to eat what’s in your pantry and then you’ll be eating super healthy and also not very much portion-wise, which will all serve to help you lose weight. I bet you can’t even do it—I bet you don’t even have it in you to eat that can of spinach for dinner.

Yep, all by itself.

 

Oh, you think you can? Prove it then. Go straight home and cook that spinach and eat it all for dinner with nothing else and then you can say you have conquered the act of eating.

Plus, if you chicken out, you can still order a Jimmy John’s sandwich and they will deliver so you still won’t have to leave the house. Mmm…Jimmy John’s. Yep. That’s dinner tonight. Way better than the spinach. I should save that anyway, in case of an emergency. Like what if the Jimmy John’s closes suddenly without warning?

Or what if someone comes over and I want them to leave but they stay until it’s clearly dinner time?  Solution: When food is brought up I can offer them the spinach. Spinach has an amazing knack for clearing a room.

 

  

Or in the case of a zombie invasion, I can use the hefty can of spinach to throw at a zombie’s decaying head.

 

It’s head will be so soft and the can so hard that it will go through the undead skull, like a meat tenderizer going through a jello mold, and that will take care of one zombie.

 

And if I can get past the thought of putting my hand into zombie brains to retrieve the can, I can use it against other zombies until they’re all gone because a can of spinach is the weapon that keeps on giving!

Spinach makes you strong because spinach itself is strong all on its own.

 

The cylindrical suit of armor reinforces that.

How did this become all about spinach all of a sudden?

Anyway, I also do this thing where I stupidly try to overthrow my much stronger subconscious self, who is controlling my brain, and I say things like, “Well, I still have time to go—I’m not home yet. Even though I’ve passed the grocery store, there is still that CVS on the corner.” Then, “Even though I passed the CVS on the corner, there is still that dollar store in the shopping center, across the street from my neighborhood.” Then, “Even though I passed the dollar store in the shopping center, across the street from my neighborhood, there is still that gas station. Gas stations probably have toilet paper at least—that’s the most important thing I need anyway.”

“Okay, now I’ve passed the gas station and I’m pulling into my apartment complex. If I pee more than twice for the rest of the night, I can always borrow some toilet paper from my roommate—or, in the event that he, too, is out, I can always ask the person next door, which, yes, will require me to leave the apartment, but at least I won’t have to walk down the stairs.”

“Or I can just hold my pee till I get to work tomorrow morning!”

Sometimes I also tell myself that if I’m not going to go to the place where I can get all the things, then there’s no point in going anywhere because I need all the things equally so I might as well wait till I can go to the place with all the things, because I certainly don’t want to have to go to two different places to get all my things. And this feels like a firm resolution and almost the same as the feeling of accomplishment I get when I’ve actually gone to the place and gotten all the things I need.

Thus, I end up at home, sans stuff, but still feeling pretty good about myself for making what is clearly the best choice. So I decide to reward myself for all the hard work I’ve done today and all the responsible behavior I exhibited both during and after work (having a logical train of thought and a reasonable discussion with myself totally qualifies as very adult-like, responsible behavior) and order myself a Jimmy John’s sandwich, and watch that documentary about lions on my Netflix Instant Queue.

 

 

See?? Extremely strong powers of persuasion!

Or I guess you could also call it having little to no will power.

But I’m a glass-half-full kinda girl.


PS. I will give someone a prize if they dare to actually make a batch of inverted chocolate chip cookies successfully.

PPS. But it has to LITERALLY be opposite—as in, melted chocolate chip balls with tiny balls of cookie dough mixed in.

PPPS. Bad idea? Good idea? Disgusting? Or the most delicious thing ever…?

PPPPS. There isn’t actually a physical prize if you do this. It’s more of a “I will send four minutes worth of happy, positive thoughts your way,” kind of thing.