Sunday, July 1, 2012

Suspicious/Illegal/Just Plain Weird Things I've Asked Google

Before I commence with this list I want to make something clear.  This list I am about to commence with only exists because...well, wait, the list itself exists because I made it, but the things on the list, that is, the things I have asked Google, only exist as questions I've asked Google because I'm a writer.

Still confused?  Yeah, me, too.  Let me clarify: These were questions I asked in the name of research for my books.

Okay, so here we go.

My List of Suspicious/Illegal/Just Plain Weird Things I've Asked Google In No Particular Order*

1.    Best way to break into a house

2.    Date rape drug and how fast it works

3.    How long does it take to die from carbon monoxide poisoning?

4.    How to hotwire a car

5.    Effects of Nitrous oxide and how fast it works

6.    Guns with longest range/distance

7.    Fastest cars for fast getaways

8.    Anthrax

9.    How long before a person dies of starvation?

10.  Best places to hit someone to incapacitate them

11.  Parts of a gun

12.  Best Poisons to hide in food/drink

13.  Sedatives

14.  How long after you’ve been hit does a black eye show up?

15.  How long does a black eye take to heal?

16.  How long would someone be in a cast for a broken leg/arm?

17.  How fast does a tranquilizer dart work?

18.  Has anyone ever stopped to think about how many times James Earl Jones played characters who said they were the fathers of the films' heroes? (Okay, that one wasn’t for book research, but it came into my brain one day and I just really wanted to know.  In case you’re wondering, Google did not have the answer.  At least not a comprehensive answer.  It only came up with quotes from the two movies that were already on my list.)

19.  Death by choking

20.  Can a person die from inhaling the fumes of human excrement for too long?

21.  How long before a person dies from inhaling the fumes of human excrement?

22.  Self-mutilation

23.  Most popular forms of self-mutilation

24.  Sounds of leg bones breaking

25.  Most efficient way to dig up a grave

26.  How to break through a window

27.  How to correct a broken nose

28.  How to check for signs of internal bleeding

29.  Most commonly reported side effects of the morning after pill

30.  And last but not least: Beastiality.  But before you guys start getting all judge-y on me, remember what my books are about.  Or maybe you don’t know what they’re about and you’re just reading this post randomly because you stumbled (seriously randomly) onto this blog.  So for those people, I’ll tell you.  The Lone March series is about weres, as in were-wolves, were-cats, were-ravens, etcetera and so on.  So that’s people who are also animals and can take one of their forms at any given time.  When you think about were-people and then you think about relationships, naturally you think next about were-people in relationships.  And to the common human brain, the word relationship = sex.  So were-people sex can get confusing (read: interesting).  I was just curious.  Leave me alone.

 * This list may be updated in the future, as I see fit.  Or as I see fit to ask Google more strange questions.

You know, maybe if Google wasn't so smart I would stop asking questions like this.  So really it's Google's fault.  It is Google that has made me this weirdo, not me.  I'm pretty sure Google can be blamed for a lot of scandalous information distribution.  Let's all blame Google!

Oh, wait.  Shit.  Google owns Blogger, doesn't it?

Google, please if you could please not take down my blog, pretty please, that would be awesome.  Thanks.

Also, I love you.

And you are really smart.

And you make me smarter every day.

Because how else would I learn the best way to rip out the throat of a person/animal in such a way that he/she/it will most certainly die but not right away and thus have time for some extremely painful last moments/parting words to the world?  Nowhere else could I learn this but from you, Google.  So, again, thank you.

And also, again, I love you.